18 May 2009
"Step right up, come one come all. Every once in a while forces from the great unknown beyond converge to create people and situations of such bizarre proportions that they cannot be hidden from the public. My goal in life is to find these symptoms of the unexplained and spread them to you. I travel across 2 countries to bring you this show. It is with that that I present my travelling sideshow:
You may have heard about it from previous stops in Tampa, Florida and before that the long running show in Long-Island New York run by that Giant Cyclops Baby Mike Milbury whose other-worldly ability to instantly banish talent to the nether-regions of the continent is legendary in it's incompetence.
But now, as you may well be aware You are here for an exciting opportunity. It's not everyday that the storms gather to produce spectacles so unnatural that I feel obliged to bring them to the heart of the country, the base of the Rocky Mountains.
The first wonder I present to you is: The Masher, who prefers to be called Pierre LaCroix.
The Masher is a reclusive beast who hides in a shroud of secrecy pushing all the buttons of the Colorado Avalanche franchise. The Masher's magic controller is a fickle controller, sometimes rewarding The Masher with booty like Paul Stastny, and sometimes it's a cruel trickster telling The Masher that trading away Chris Drury and Stephan Yelle for Derek Morris, Dean McAmmond and Jeff Shantz was a good idea.
The Masher works his magic in a dim-lit lair inside the concrete fortress known an the "Pep. C. Center", and only reveals himself when there is credit to be taken, or blame to be assigned.
You may have to act fast in order to catch my next world Wonder, as he may soon be vanishing into oblivion. So please step up and buy a ticket to see the Monarch of Unpredictability, the Incredible Mr. Monkeypants, Tony Granato.
What Will He Do next?! No one knows, least of all him!
• The Alligator Man on the point for a powerplay? Could be!
• Brett Clark transitioning to Goalie? Certainly a possibility!
• Calling his Sister Cami to teach Tyler Arnason some toughness? You can't rule it out!
You never know what shenanigans the Incredible Mr. Monkeypants may do.
The wonders are not limited to people though, I have brought some truly bizarre Cinematic Sorcery to the Mile High City too!
Some of the magic displayed here in Colorado:
• Making 3,000 fans invisible for every single home game -- It's Unbelievable!
• Ability to seriously tell fans that every mistake is "Bad Luck" or "Un lucky" -- Mind Boggling
• Alienate fans with a culture of secrecy and paranoia that a cloak-and-dagger novelist would find over the top -- Incredible!
• Insult fans intelligence by not including lower-deck tickets in the Fan cost index tickets -- Inconceivable
• Turn a model franchise into a circus sideshow -- Bewildering!
Next up is a mythical place that, until recently, most thought was an urban myth. But I have discovered the place, and it does, indeed, exist. I am of course talking about what's formally known as The Ring of Fear. The reason it was so hard to find was because the people here refer to it as The Avalanche Training Room.
The Ring of Fear has been able to break even the most stout of men. come in the an Ankle sprain, leave with back surgery. The wonders of the ring of fear is that all who enter stay longer than originally planned. Sometimes they stay up to 10x longer.
Inside this ring toothaches become concussions, Hangnails become toe amputations, diarrhea becomes intestinal failure. And the worst part is that the Ring of Fear also casts a curse on all those enter. Why just last year Young Stastny left here and soon thereafter his appendix ruptured. Even an Old Vet like Joe Sakic saw his fingers nearly bitten clean off by a normally complacent snowmonster. I suggest we leave, before the curse seeps into us.
The next wonder was found in the biggest concrete jungle in the Great White North. With the help of the Incredible Mr. Monkeypants, he was convinced to make his way here to the front ranger for a few years. It only cost $2.25M a year, what a bargain!
I want to focus your attention to the main tent, and see Darcy Tucker, the Alligator Man.
The Alligator man lives on a frozen lake and, like a regular alligator, sits around nearly motionless for long stretches of time, occasionally snapping at some poor soul who gets too close for the cranky crocodile.
Also come see the Amazing Voltron. Not the one from an 80's cartoon, but one named Brett Clark. His use of electricity is truly astonishing.
Defying all laws of physics, he has the extraordinary ability to magnetically attract pucks into his body, stopping nearly as many shots as his goaltenders. This is even more impressive than it sounds since vulcanized rubber isn't normally magnetic. But, as with every superpower, there comes a catch. In order to gain this magical ability Voltron had to lose his vision, which robbed him of a promising future passing the puck. The constant tinkering with the local magnetic fields sometimes leaves him disoriented causing him to be prone to wandering in his own end looking for shooting lanes to block instead of opponents to defend.
And finally I'd be remiss if I didn't bring you the spectacle of The Human Paradox. You may know him by his more common name, Wojtek Wolski.
A dichotomy of ability, Wolski has sensational talent. Every once in a while he unleashes the fury of his talent after the competition in which he participates is tied and he grows weary of it, and he settles things himself with amazing displays of skill and on-ice fluidity.
But before the competition he is content with being a 3rd line player and showing off his ability only once in a while, while responsibly helping his teammates in his own zone. It truly is a paradox.
Ladies and Gentlemen that wraps up the introduction. I can guarantee you that I will not rest until I am able to bring you all the bizarre and unnatural wonders of the world that I can find. In fact, check back with me later.
In fact, I have it on good authority that I will soon secure the elusive Puppethead as Colorado General Manager.
Who will Puppethead be? Certainly someone with broad shoulders to carry the load of the blame that comes his way. Stay tuned as Puppethead is trotted out for rare public appearances and able to speak and act, even as Mr. Lacroix takes a drink of water!
He's even got no strings and luckily, unlike that dolt Pinocchio, his nose won't grow every time he tells a lie. If it did you can be sure he would look like Steve Martin in Roxanne.
Also right now I'm working on a deal that will bring the Mystery Beast behind the bench. Calm and charming by day, the Mystery Beast is occasionally unleashed during fierce competition, instilling in the mild mannered French-Canadian a nearly-psychopathic thirst for blood that can only be quenched after the beating of the opposing goalies."
Thanks to Sideshow World for most of the images
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