11 May 2010
Former Tampa Bay forward, and soon to be free agent, Stephane Veilleux, hurt his shoulder sometime during the last hockey season. No one knows when exactly he hurt his shoulder. Tampa Bay refuses to pay for the surgery he needs to repair the shoulder because they say he most likely hurt it playing the brutal sport of ping pong, and not that gentlemanly game of hockey.
But this is just one of many new policy changes that new Tampa Owner Jeff Vinick has instituted. Here's some of the others:
- Tampa will now play shorthanded all game, since they have shown they can already handle is every game anyways . This should open up ~4 roster spots.
- The three ghosts who visit Vinik this Christmas will not be given any overtime pay.
- Barry Melrose will be re-hired as coach so that no Lightning player will get his performance bonus. Especially that damn Stamkos whippersnapper.
- Vinik has has stripped Vincent LeCavalier of his captaincy, busting him down to Lieutenant so that he can pay him a lower salary.
- In an attempt to increase revenue from merchandise, the Lightning will change their name to "Penguins" and sign 17 year old local dropout "prospect" Jeremy Crosby.
- The new Lightning Sweater (on the left):
- Vinik will now take away the dental plan, but he will buy a keg of beer for everyone.
- Christmas bonuses for team employees have been replaced with a 1-year subscription to "Fruit of the Month" club.
- All players are now required to wear standard issue "Bower" hockey skates. Vinik wants to take "cheapskate" to a literal level.
- Vinnie LeCavalier will finally be traded to Montreal, along with Victor Hedman and Ryan Malone for Brian Gionta, Scott Gomez, and Mike Cammalleri because tall people make more money.
- Fans who are hit with any puck that may come over the boards are expected to reimburse the Lightning for any first aid treatment they receive.
- Vinick will not hire Steve Yzerman because Yzerman is worth $102 in the elementary Alphabet $ game (A=$1, B=$2 etc). The new list of GM candidates include: Wild Assistant GM Jim Nill ($47), Ducks Assistant GM Dave McNab ($33), and the corpse of former Red Wing Legend Sid Abel ($20).
- Vinik will no be signing any free agents, so he can save money for his goal of owning the Bailey Bros. Building & Loan
- The mothers and/or wives are now responsible for the orange slices and sodas for the post-game.
- Mike Smith and Anterro Nittymaki will be replaced by "a big fat guy" for league minimum.
- The team doctor will be fired and replaced with Dr. Pepper.
- Martin St. Louis will be expected to take on an expanded team role... as team mascot.
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