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*With apologies to the Offspring

You know what I'm tired of, every time you tell a Brain-dead Les Ailes fan you hate their team the first answer is "You're just jealous." Actually it's either some unintelligible gibberish followed by a lot of whooping and grunts or, if written, it is a caps-lock fueled jumble of letters vaguely resembling monosyllabic English words, loosely translated as "You are jealous."

Rest assured, there are plenty of reasons to hate Les Ailes that don't reek of envy. Starting with:

Chris Osgood
This guy sucks. I know he has 2 Stanley Cups, and he got the best seat in the house for a third one, but the guy is an average goalie. Yet this mediocre goalie is one Stanley Cup away from an almost assured spot in the Hockey Hall of Fame. Here's why he'll shamefully make the HOF:

• He played on über-talented teams filled with Selke, Norris, and Hart trophy candidates
• He was decent enough not to completely fuck it up
• He got a cup as a backup that people count to his credit

The guy has had a nice career, and was fortunate to be on über-talented teams and won a couple cups. But please point me to a year where he was a top-5 goalie. In order to make the hall-of-fame shouldn't you at least be top-5 in your position for at least one season. If Chris Osgood goes into the hall-of-fame he automatically becomes the argument for every future-fringe candidate.

Fun way to fuck with Les Ailes fans: When arguing Osgood's hall of fame credentials ask him if Claude Lemieux should go. He has 3 cups and a Conn Smythe. Oh and he was a starter for all three cups.

The Flopping
Obviously the concept of irony and hypocrisy are lost on Les Ailes fans. They derisively nicknamed their rivals "The Dive" yet cheer for guys like Osgood, Filppula and Hossa, along with the worst diver in the history of hockey Dominik Hasek.
Fun way to fuck with Les Ailes fans Point this out, because none of them have thought of it on their own yet.

Niklas Kronwall
The guy hasn't laid a legal big hit his entire career. How he is able to continuously leave his feet for every check and never get called for it is a mystery. The guy is the dirtiest hitter outside of Dion Phaneuf, yet is treated like he's a good bigtime hitter.

Valterri Filppula
He's really just a weasel-faced fuckface.

Darren McCarty
One of the biggest cheap shots in all of hockey. Lemieux turtled because McCarty threw a blindside punch to the face of an unsupecting Lemieux. This isn't to argue that Lemiuex shouldn't have answered for the Draper hit, but how about a fair fight at least? McCarty was one of the dirtiest players in hockey (and he was equally dirty as Lemieux ever was) yet Les Ailes fans have immortalized him in Michigan canon.

Fun way to fuck with Les Ailes fans Point out McCarty's dirty punch on Lemieux and watch them tie themselves in knots rationalizing it's legitimacy.

The Uniform:
Les Ailes only have Red and White in their jersey's because a 3 color palette would be too complex for 85% of the fans to process. This is why Les Ailes fans hate the Avs so much. The Avs have 4 different colors in their jerseys, which just angers and confuses Les Ailes fans.

This simple brain red and white brain is also the reason LesAiles have never had a third jersey. Les Ailes fans will tell you it's because they have a storied tradition and it's an original six thing, but that's a cover to make Les Ailes fans feel better about themselves. The real reason is the mass confusion it would cause in Detroit, as the crowd wouldn't be able to comprehend their team wearing a "different" sweater. Why do you think Winter Classic was at Wrigley? Nostalgia? Atmosphere? No. It was because the only way to avoid consufing the simple-minded Les Ailes fans was to make sure Les Ailes fans would see the game through a blurry haze caused by a combination of seating them at least 100 yards away, icy cold wind and New Year's hangovers. I even have it on good authority that NBC was forced to abandon their HD feed in Michigan for a more "traditional" broadcast.

Fun way to fuck with Les Ailes fans Point out their Unis are essentially the Leafs with a color swap.

Mickey Redmond
The worst color-guy in all of hockey, hands down. No questions asked. Listening to Mickey Redmond call a game for 60 minutes is equivalent to listening to Fran Dresher sing Celine Dion's greatest hits accompanied by the finest Kazoo and Cowbell quartet in all of Grand Rapids. There isn't an announcer in all of sports that openly bellyaches about "bad" calls more than Mr. Redmond.

And this matters because Les Ailes fans are extremely impressionable, especially to anything on TV. A generation of Les Ailes fans have grown up listening to Redmond thinking that moaning about every call is an acceptable way to watch a hockey game. There's no reason the most successful franchise of the last 20 years should have the whiniest fans in sports.

The Fans
Listen, successful franchises breed arrogant fans. They also breed bandwagon fans. I get that, and Les Ailes are clearly no different. Their arrogance and sense of entitlement rivals that of the Yankees, Lakers, Duke, Cowboys, Canadiens, Red Sox... I get that. I really really get that.

But none of those fans bases have accompanying delusional paranoia coupled with an incomprehensible aforementioned whining to go along with the normal ignorant bandwagon arrogance that comes with winning. You hear the whining about Pavel Datsyuk not getting his due, alongside Ovechkin, Crosby, and Malkin, and the great Betteman conspiracy to market only those three, and that's why Pavel Datsyuk doesn't get his due as one of the games great players.

Or maybe it's because Datsyuk doesn't show up for events designed solely to market the games stars. But the conspiracy angle works too.

Oh, and they can't take jokes or detect sarcasm and playful teasing either (I expect there to be proof of this in the comments, but if not check any fairly mainstream sports story that mentions the wings in a humorous light. )

How to fuck with Les Ailes fans: Use logic in conversation.

The Media
The most simple-minded dumb sports shit ever written usually comes from Detroit Media. Seriously:

The Ducks are just lucky (Detroit media would have you believe the Wings have never lost a game because of inferior opponents, just bad luck. )

The Wings are White Knights, and all that's good in the world


and the tour-de-force of stupidity: Les Ailes are hated because of racism.

And that doesn't even include Mitch Album.


Les Ailes face game 7 against the Ducks tonight. Quack Quack mother fuckers!