06 October 2010
It's an unfair gift I have, but every year I have the ability to see a year into the future and see the events of the hockey season as they unfold. I know some people want a surprise, but I am going to go ahead and ruin it for you by spilling the beans on all the major events of the upcoming season.
So we'll dive right in, the following events are exactly how the season will unfold. Don't say I didn't warn you:
More after the jump
The NJ Devils offer their Ilya Kovalchuk food special: Pay $12 for your first 6 beers, and get the next 11 for 25¢ each.
The LA Kings offer their season long Alex Ponikovarsy food promotion. You try to pay $11 for the Supreme Nachos but end up with a stale pretzel for a nickel.
Chicago opens their defense of the cup in Denver on the road. After discovering legendary party neighborhood LoDo and Colorado's smorgasbord of micro brews, Patrick Kane demands a trade to Colorado.
The Tea Party officially endorses the Detroit Red Wings, citing their natural affinity for very old white guys.
Roberto Luongo announces he resigned his captaincy because Keith Ballard gave him the slight throat sign and threatened him with Mutiny when he was signed.
New Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf misses three games as he gets a concussion when he thinks too hard about why someone on his team doesn't wear a "B" since there's an "A" & a "C".
People start notice that Atlanta is trying to appeal to a large African-American population by acquiring good young black hockey players. It's generally agreed that this is a better strategy for their survival than their previous strategy of appealing to people who didn't grow up playing hockey by acquiring players who aren't very good at hockey.
Milan Lucic is suspended 5 games for climbing into the stands, up to the press box and beating the tar out of longtime Boston Globe writer Bob Ryan, when he gets him confused with Anaheim's Bobby Ryan.
The Ottawa Senators try and boost ticket and jersey sales by introducing this new 3rd sweater:
Ryan Getzlaf is fined $5000 for calling Niklas Kronwall "The Missing Link". The fine is rescinded when he exlpains "I did not mean to offend any gamers out there. I was calling Kronwall a human-chimpanzee hybrid that bridges our genetic gap, not saying he was a model for the infamous lost Zelda game hero. Sorry if I offended any video game enthusiasts".
Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin headline "The Winter Classic" which is the newest Wes Craven flick in which Jaroslav Halak stops everything they do.
Rick Nash makes yet another appearance at the all-star game, proving to everyone that the Blue Jackets still actually exist.
Sharks winger Danny Heatly takes two weeks off of back checking for the Olympic Break.
Mike Green and Ilya Kovalchuk get into a rematch. Both players are knoked out as they have tremendous offensive firepower but can't block or defend.
Carey Price changes his name to Carey Burns so he can imagine Habs fans are chanting "Boo-urns", you know, like Luongo.
People start to seriously worry about Calgary GM Darryl Sutter when he asks why the Flames don't melt the ice, and he keeps trying to trade himself a 3rd rounder for Ollie Jokenin.
Bloggers everywhere find a plethora of jokes when Islanders rookie Nino Niederreiter gets new line mates "Dusty Bottoms" and "Lucky Day".
Goalie Dan Ellis is traded to the Kings at his insistence, but only until the expansion "Jaguars" are added.
After years of criticism, Colin Campbell finally defends the notorious "Wheel of Justice". "Despite some fans misgivings, we don't really have a wheel of justice. It's more like that Plinko game on the Price is Right"
The NHL announces they will extend their series of playing preseason and regular season games in exotic locales to try and expand their fan base to fans who normally get second tier hockey by announcing games in Miami and Long Island next season.
The Canucks open their second round series against the Blackhawks on May 1st. May 1st, that's 5-1. 5-1, that's the score of the Canucks last game against the 'Hawks last season. Gary Bettman wore a Black suit that night...Whoa.. they are totally out to get the Canucks.
Some lame hockey announcer uses the old reliable hockey cliche "The most dangerous lead in hockey". This is in reference to any lead the Boston Bruins may have
Mike Richards' blindside hit in the Stanley Cup finals results in Phoenix's Radim Vrbata being knocked unconscious taken off in a stretcher and staying unconscious for the next 3 days. The injury report has him listed as "Questionable with an upper body injury". Phoenix replaces him with Carolina's Jussi Jokinen and no one notices.
Last season the Chicago Blackhawks ended their lengthy Stanley Cup drought, and this year the Toronto Maple Leafs get to celebrate their first Stanley Cup since 1942, when Phoenix wins the Stanley Cup and every team gets to put their names on the cup. All part of Burkie's master plan.
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