Everything but the War of Words

Written by Jibblescribbits | 06 Jun 2011

So how about the Stanley Cup finals, eh?

The hockey has been great. Two great games, which had people thinking of the Brodeur-Roy showdown in ‘01. And not only has the hockey been great, but we’ve also been treated to some good ol-fashioned nastiness and animosity. A surreal biting incident, taunting, punches to the back of the heads of players. Really this series has had it all so far.

But you know where this series lack… the trash talk (at least the trash talk through the media). Here’s a sampling of the quotes that qualify for trash talk these days:

“No. We know the type of team they are over there.“

“I’m sure their coach is going to take a look at what they did. He said he didn’t like it when our guys did it“

“The NHL ruled on something and they decided to make a mockery of it. It’s totally up to them. If that’s their way of handling things, so be it. We can’t waste our time on that sort of stuff.”

And I can’t even find Alan Vingneult’s undoubtedly bland boring whiny quotes.

Boston, Vancouver, I’d like either of you a lot more if you stopped the fucking charade and embraced wearing the black hat. Here’s the incidents that I can think of for both these teams this season:

- One team’s superstars fall over whenever there’s a slight breeze.

- The other team’s captain broke a guys neck by tossing him into the stanchion.

- Both teams had players suspended for headshots this season. (BOS: Paille - 4 Games, Marchand - 2 games VAN: Torres - 4 games)

- Both teams won important games in which their player who scored a game winning goal they should have been suspended (Burrows, Horton)

- For God’s sake, both teams have had altercations with Fans this season! (Rypen, Horton).

So here’s my message to both teams:

Quit trying to take the moral high ground, you pansies. Neither of you have any leg to stand on. In fact, if you had any chutzpah at all you’d embrace the villain role you were born to play. In fact I’d like you a hell of a lot more if one of you would just pull up your bootstraps and put on the Black Hat. In fact take those bootstraps and club the other team with it, laughing maniacally all the way.

In my god damned day when you were taunted by a win-nothing punk like Jeremy Roenick, or Max Lapierre, did you pansy up and say "Oh, I do declare. Those brutes and their awful taunting. It's just plain ungentlemanly. It just reeks of poor class. Those uncouth loudmouth Gallinippers!" No you didn't take the moral high ground. You fought the war in the trenches, WHERE IT BELONGS. You put on your big boy pants and said "Hey you, fuckface. I have 2 Stanley Cup Rings in my ears and your taunts mean nothing to me, you yellow-bellied hornswoggling swine. If you so much as think about trying to score on me again, I will shove this waffleboard so far down your throat that that Cup ring I was just talking about will be plugging your intestines"

Now, quit arguing like a couple of prancing politicians about which one of you is marginally less slimy, and channel your inner Chris Pronger. You're hockey players, damnit. Save this gentlemanly crap for baseball.